did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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