Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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