Sry I called you an 8
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
