Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
