Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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