toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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