just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
