if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
