i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
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