I think i sorta joined a cult last night
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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