doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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