I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
