I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Sponge bath it is.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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