i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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