whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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