okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
