Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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