I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
