May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
