One girl and one boy is just not enough.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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