WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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