He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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