new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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