i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
