we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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