Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize