Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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