Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Randomize
