I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
