Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize