no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
