Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
