I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Randomize
