I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
