You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
