I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
