my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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