The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
