We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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