Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
