Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
