she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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