He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
