True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
