all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
