I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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