You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
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