i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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