if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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