somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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