Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
