god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
