So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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