Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
