it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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