I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
