I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
