the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
She's the barista slut.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
