Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Randomize
