But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
