i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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