I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize